Another Movie Parody
by Dancing Opera Ghost Girl
Summary: Like the movie. Only funnier, at least to some people.
1. Scenes: 1, 2, 3, 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Phantom of the Opera, Erik, the movie, the book, the play, or any of the characters or anything, they all belong to their respectful owners.

**!IMPORTANT!** A/N: Yes, this is one of those stories where the author watches the movie scene by scene, moment by moment, trying to squeeze something funny out of every single second. I am well aware that other people have done this, and if they have a problem with me putting this up, please don't sue me just review me. (contact me)

Please review, even (especially) if you think it sucks.

**We begin our story with Old Man Raoul getting into a wheelchair. Exciting. **

Raoul: Well, after that 'accident' where I told Gerrik I thought Lon looked better…

**Then we see a ramp leading up to theopera housewith lots of children playing on it. **

Children: (fall off)

**Obviously there is a wheelchair ramp because a lot of people thought Lon looked better. **

Auctioneer: Lot 663, a blah blah blah blah blah… worth five francs. Six…seven… do I hear eight? Nine… I can count!

Giry: Hi, it's me! My presence is made obvious! Now continue. I came here just for that monkey you know.

Raoul: I didn't.

Auctioneer: Lot 664, three human skulls. That's sure to sell like hotcakes. Worth ten francs. 10? 15? 20? I can count by fives also. (beams)

**It seems as though Raoul and Giry can communicate using a series of stares and sighs. I think I'll try it. (staresigh) **

Auctioneer: Lot 665. Yes, I've been standing here all day going through over 600 lots. By the way, this lot is the monkey music box. It still plays Masquerade! Doesn't that just bring back memories of the good old days?

Raoul: (staresigh to the monkey)

Giry: (staresigh)

Monkey: Masquerade, I'm worth a lot of francs.

Raoul: (stare)

Giry: (sigh)

Auctioneer: 15 francs?

Giry: stare

Auctioneer: Thank you.

Raoul's maid: 20 francs!

Raoul: I don't want that useless piece of junk!

Giry: 25 francs!

Auctioneer: Do I hear thirty?

Raoul's maid: 30!

Raoul: I don't want it!

Auctioneer: Too bad! Sold to Old Man Raoul.

Raoul: (singing) A collectors piece indeed. To bad I don't collect crap. Will you play that annoying tune until I'm dead?

Auctioneer: Okay, lot 666 then. You know, they really should have skipped that lot number. Like number 13. It's just… scary. The lot is a chandelier. Some of you may recall that strange affair Christine had with The Phantom of the Opera.

Raoul???

Auctioneer: Oops. Anyway, we are told that this is the exact chandelier the Phantom tried to aim at Carlotta's fat butt. How did he miss?

**No offense to Minnie Driver! Just Carlotta! Really! **

Chandelier: Dun! Dun dun dun dun dun!

Raoul: Does anyone hear something?

**Now we can see the opera house making some sort of metaphorical transformation. Ooh, ah. Firmin and Andre get out of the carriage. **

Firmin: What have we gotten ourselves into?

Andre: Does anyone hear something?

**Then we go on some strange, pointless tour of the opera house, seeing gold horses, dancing girls and other eye candy… but why do we have to see people doing the laundry? (seriously, its there)**

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet.

**Outside, we can see young Roaul arriving in his carriage.**

Raoul: Does anyone hear something?

**At this point the Chandelier Music stops. That was kind of a long time. **

Carlotta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Something about SAAAAAAVIOURS! SAAAAVIIOOOURS!

Reyer: How can you understand what she is saying?

**Two words: English subtitles. Then we see Piangi singing and a small man aka Mini Me who looks just like him… **

Piangi: THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

Mini Me: (does sign language)

**The current manager enters with Andre and Firmin. **

Manager: Ladies, gentlemen, and Carlotta—

Carlotta: MAHA!

Manager: These are our new managers. They used to be in the _junk_ business. Isn't that splendid?

Andre: (coughscrapmetalcough) And here is some guy from Christine's childhood.

**Raoul enters and you can just hear the fans squealing. **

Christine: It's Raoul! Before my father died—

Meg: Oh get over it, your dad is dead and there is _nothing_ you can do about it!

Christine: Lalala, I can't hear you. Anyway, Raoul and I used to be childhood sweethearts. He used to call me 'Little Lotte".

Meg: Little Lotte? Where did he get that from? At least he's handsome. (swoon)

**Is there such thing is a Meg/Raoul fan? **

Raoul: kisses Carlotta's hand

**Is there such thing as a Carlotta/Raoul fan? **

Carlotta: He laufa loveme.

**I take that back. Is there such thing as a Carlotta fan?**


	2. Scene 4 cont, 5, 6, 7, 8

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the Phantom of the Opera or anything. Really, I'm just the fic writer.

A/N: Another day, another chapter. That last one was too short; I'm shooting for 950 words this time. (last chapter was 850) **Thanks to all readers, and the two reviewers. (too bad only one is showing up!)**

* * *

Raoul: Oh look. It's Christine, but I don't care because she's just a lowly ballet… person. 

Meg: I'm sure he just didn't see you!

**Madame Giry shows the new managers the girls dancing. **

Firmin: Who's that beautiful one? Surely she's not related to you, because you are quite homely.

Giry: That's my daughter.

Firmin: Who's that other beautiful one? Surely she's not related to the Swedish violinist Daae because he is quite homely.

Giry: That's his daughter.

**Hannibal ****continues. My ears are exploding. **

Carlotta: I QUIT, BECAUSE I 'ATE MY HAT!

Andre: You… ate your hat?

Carlotta: NO, I 'ATE MY HAT!

Andre: Huh?

Firmin: Oh just grovel.

Andre & Firmin: (grovel)

Carlotta: Oh, if you insist.

**Then Carlotta continues singing. I know I've bashed Carlotta before, but I'll admit I actually think she's good. Anyway, the Phantom is up in the flies, and he doesn't have the same opinion. **

Phantom: The same opinion? My ears really _are_ exploding. Maybe if I just drop this backdrop on her, we can be spared.

**When the backdrop falls, poor Carlotta's legs are crushed. And yet, she makes a miraculous recovery in less than five seconds. **

Carlotta: (screaming)

Phantom: I think I like her better singing. I'm out of here. (disappears)

Meg: The Phaaantom of the Opera is there!

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet. But it wasn't me, honest! I wasn't at my post!

Reyer: First of all, we never said it was you, and second of all, why weren't you at your post?

Buquet: … hello… I'm J. Buquet.

**A letter falls.**

Carlotta: THESE THINGS DO NOT 'APPEN!

Reyer: Is someone in denial?

Carlotta: I QUIT!

Giry: Hello.

Firmin and Andre: AAH! Don't sneak up on us like that!

Giry: Muahaha. (cough) I have a letter from the Opera Ghost. It pretty much says, please give me 20,000 francs a month, or suffer the consequences.

Firmin: 20,000 francs! Do you know how many monkey music boxes that is? And on top of that, we have no Carlotta! Or is that a good thing…?

Giry: Christine could sing it.

Christine: Yes. After all these years of being a lowly ballet… person, I have actually had a great singing talent.

Andre: Yeah right. Who is your teacher?

Christine: I don't know his name. Okay, it's actually Erik, but in the movie, he has no name.

Reyer: (staresigh) I don't get paid enough for this. Let's start it from the top, people. I mean, person.

**Christine sings like an angel. Well, she at least sings pretty good. Once again, the opera house makes a metaphorical transformation, and Christine is in a white dress, singing in front of a full house. **

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet.

Christine: (thinking) are all those guys up in the flies staring at me because I look good & I'm a good singer? Daddy would be so proud.

Guys in the flies: She's got something in her teeth…

Raoul: Oh look, it's Christine, and I care now because she's the star of the show and a great singer! And now I will randomly exit the opera… even though I love Christine.

* * *

**Christine is lighting candles for her father. **

Phantom: Brava. Brava. Baklava.

Meg: (enters room) Christine, I don't have many singing parts so don't screw this up.

Phantom: Christine…

Meg: I said, don't ruin it. So, where have you been hiding?

Christine: Uh, here?

Meg: It was a rhetorical question. Who is your teacher, anyway?

Christine: The angel of music.

Meg: Riiight.

Christine: It's my father's ghost that's teaching me! The Angel of Music!

Meg: THESE THINGS DO NOT 'APPEN! (cough) Sorry. But Christine, you are talking in riddles!

Christine: No, it's quite plain.

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet.

**Later, we see Christine enter her dressing room with Giry.**

Giry: (handing Christine a rose) He thinks you did well.

**As Giry leaves, we see Raoul outside.**

Raoul: (takes flowers from Firmin & Andre) I'm totally taking credit for these.

Raoul: (enters) Wassup, Little Lottie, my homie?

Christine: (thinking) Am I fonder of riddles or frocks?

Raoul: Little Lottie thought, am I fonder of riddles or frocks?

Christine: …Is it really that obvious what I'm thinking?

Raoul: So, who is your teacher?

Christine: The Angel of Music.

Raoul: Yeah, sure. So, will you go on a date with me.

Christine: Um… no.

Raoul: Why not?

Christine: Because the angel said no?

Raoul: (pouting) Am I really that ugly? Please meet me in ten minutes. (leaves)

**Suddenly all the lights go out in the whole opera house.**

Giry: Help, I'm afraid of the dark!

Phantom: (singing) Raoul is an idiot.

Christine: (singing) Yeah I know. So, come on in.

Phantom: (singing) I'm about to show you how ugly I am. Look at your face in the mirror, it's me.

Christine: (singing) Are you calling me ugly?

**Christine is hypnotized into coming through the mirror. Outside the door, we see Raoul. **

Raoul: Is that another man in there? Who are you!

Phantom: I am your angel of music…

Raoul: (slowly backs away)

**When we see Christine touch his hand… DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN! Comes on. **

Christine: (singing) I had dreams about you… they were nice dreams… hey am I dreaming right now?

Phantom: (singing) Haha, I have power over you. And though you look away from me as though I'm ugly, I'm actually quite handsome, better than Raoul even.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I love you lawyers. I don't own anything!

A/N: You guys are simply the best. I know you aren't supposed to laugh at your own work, but after I wrote 'Brava. Brava. Baklava.' I let out a snicker. Thank you so much reviewers, especially Gigi for the constructive critiscim. You know, I am really dumb, because even though I am looking for constructive critiscsim here, I only have one chapter left to right. (I'm only giving you one per day so I can bump it up daily, lol!)

**Christine, the Phantom, and the horse are moving through the labyrinths.**

Horse: Moo. Baa? I mean, neigh. Yeah that's it, neigh.

Phantom: Sorry horse. We have to abandon you for a gondola.

Gondola: Moo. Baa?

Christine: Don't you find it odd that there is an electric guitar in the orchestra? (singing) AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!

Phantom: Sing, angel of music. Wait, aren't _I_ the angel of music?

Christine: (singing) AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!

Phantom: Yep, just keep going.

Christine: (singing) AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!

Phantom: Once more, now.

Christine: (singing) AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH! AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!

Phantom: Okay I lied. Do it again.

Christine: (singing) AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!

Phantom: Okay, last time, I promise.

Christine: (singing) AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!

Phantom: (singing) Well, this is my pad. You've come here for one reason that I can't think of right now… wait, it's on the tip of my tongue… well, maybe you don't have a reason for being here, but I do have a reason for taking you here. Because you have a good voice. Yeah, that's it.

**Then he sings Music of the Night. I can't write that whole thing, but you know what it's about.**

Phantom: (showing her the mannequin) Look, it's you. Only made of plastic, which hasn't been invented yet.

Christine: (faints)

Phantom: What? Do I smell that bad? Oh well, let me put you in this nice soft bed, and here is your black curtain that can only be opened from the inside. I DIDN'T TAKE HER STOCKINGS OFF!

**We now see Meg entering Christine's dressing room.**

Meg: Christine? Yep, that's my only line for this whole, pointless scene.

**Meg pulls aside the mirror. She enters this scary, dark, wet hallway filled with rats.**

Giry: Muahaha.

Meg: What the crap? Oh mom, it's just you. You know you can be very scary sometimes.

**Now we see Buquet and the ballet…people.**

Buquet: Hello. I'm J. Buquet.

Ballet Girl: What, is this AA or something?

Buquet: … You mean it isn't?

Ballet Girl: Well, that explains a lot.

Buquet: I am now going to describe the Phantom. He's supposed to have thin yellow skin, and no nose, but he's actually rather handsome. He has a 'magical' lasso. (snort) Yeah right.

Giry: Muahaha.

Buquet: Why do you keep doing that!

Giry: Never mind that, but shut your pie hole, Joseph. Whatcha gonna do when the Phantom comes for you?

**Back in the cellars…**

Monkey: Masquerade, I am quite the freakish music box.

Christine: Where am I? (singing) I remember there were those fog machines… pretty mist on a small, narrow canal. There were some water-proof candles that came up out of the water, and on the canal there was a gondola, and in the gondola there was a dude!

Phantom: That would be me.

Christine: Who's is the face in the mask? Let's find out. (pulls off mask)

Phantom: Beep beep beep! I'm a truck in reverse! Why, Christine, why? You prying Pandora!

Christine: It's Christine.

Phantom: Well, we'd best return. Those fools who run my theater—

Christine: How can _they _run it if it is _your_ theater?

**Back to the land of black and white. Raoul is riding away in his car and Giry is just standing...**

Raoul: (staresigh)

**Translation: Sorry Giry. You could have had the stupid monkey.**

Giry: (staresigh)

**Translation: I will one day take revenge over you Raoul. **

**Now as we go inside Raoul's eye, we see the Opera house…all colorful.**

Firmin: Oh dear. Roumers about the opera… they are stalking me again! AHH!

Andre: Calm down my dear Firmin! I have a note. It reads, "Dearest Andre, please, don't _ever_ cast Carlotta again."

Firmin: I have one too! It says, "My man Firmin, where are those 20,000 francs?"

Raoul: (enters) Where is she?

Andre: Carlotta?

Raoul: No you ignorant fool, why would I ever want to know where she is? I mean Christine!

Firmin: No idea.

Raoul: Well, I have a note. It says, "I have Ms. Daae hostage, and you will never see her again."

Carlotta: Where is she?

Andre: Here we go again.

Raoul: (takes note) It says, "You won't be performing operas for long. Christine will sing now. Be prepared for a great misfortune cookie, if you try to take her place."

Firmin: Didn't we establish moments ago that we would never see her again?

Giry: Muahaha.

Andre: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?

Giry: I thought you might want to eventually know that Ms. Daae has returned. She will see no one.

Raoul: Can I see her?

Giry: No, Raoul.

Raoul: Please?

Giry: When you are old, you will be cursed with a monkey music box that you didn't want.

Raoul: …You are scary aren't you?

Giry: I have another note.

Andre: "No more Monsieur Nice Phantom. And you know the song, "Little Bunny Foofoo"? Well I'm the fairy, and I will give you once last chance. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon!"

**We now see the Phantom and his little doll house.**

Phantom: Hey. I heard that. (cough) In the new production of Il Muto, I can only pray that they will give Carlotta the silent role.

Giry: Muahaha. Do what the Phantom says.

**Carlotta, Firmin & Andre open the doors to a huge crowd.**

Man: Would you please give this rose to Miss Daae?

Carlotta: (pouting) Why don't people give any roses to _me_? I'm the freaking Prima Donna and she just started singing.

**And now, what you _haven't _been waiting for… PRIMA DONNA.**

Andre & Firmin: Prima Donna, please never sing again. We all abhor you…

Carlotta: What?

Andre & Firmin: Er… enchant us once again… we adore you…

Carlotta: That's better.

Andre: They are shouting your name!

Firmin: Um, they are shouting "Christine Daae, Christine Daae."

Andre: Oh be quiet. Would you like some more pink things?

Carlotta: No, I just want that brown furry thing. (pets brown furry thing)

Raoul: Christine spoke of an Angel…

**Yeah, Raoul, she did. Did you just realize that?**

Firmin: Somehow, I made it into Carlotta's dressing room. And I am now tightening her corset. Well… not as good as being in Meg or Christine's dressing room, but let's just pretend…

Giry: Muahaha. Did I mention you must at all costs listen to the Angel of Music?


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own the Phantom of the Opera. I am but a lowly phic writer!

A/N: _I LOST IT. I LOST IT. I LOST THE DVD. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. _(It's been lost for two days)Good news: I got the book, so I may do a phic based on it. I'll find the DVD soon, I hope, argh.

**We are in the middle of Prima Donna. Joy.**

Firmin: Yuck, do I have to drink out of this shoe?

Carlotta: Yes! Why wouldn't you?

Firmin: Well, you did eat your hat, so how bad could this be?

Carlotta: I did not eat my hat! I 'ated it!

Firmin: It's not _ated_, its ate.

Carlotta: (fumes) I will shine in my final encore!

Andre: There's going to be an …encore? (cries)

Giry: Muahaha. Did I mention to listen to the Phantom?

Christine: Yes, about a dozen times.

Meg: Muahaha?

Giry: Good my child, you are catching on.

Everyone in Paris: Sing, Prima Donna… (collective breath) ONCE MORE!

Andre: Once… more? (cries)

**And now, Il Muto. Someone puts down Carlotta's red concoction, and the Phantom replaces it with… AN EXACT REPLICA! OH DEAR!**

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet.

Dancers: "This faithless lady's bound for Hades, shame shame shame!"

**We see Carlotta and Christine… although behind the pink thing Carlotta is wearing you can't really see Christine.**

Christine: (feels Carlotta)

**That is one disturbing concept.**

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet.

Phantom: (lurks)

Piangi: My, love I'm going to England while you have an affair with Christine, although I would happily take the maid with me.

Carlotta: Is this how it's going to be when we actually get married?

**Meanwhile we can see various shots of Giry and the Phantom which can only mean one thing: impending doom.**

Christine: (strips)

Carlotta: (pretends to kiss Christine)

**Yeah… we didn't need to see that.**

Phantom: I said to keep the fop out of box five! Hey this is cool. Echo! Echo!

Meg: The Phaaantom of the Opera is there…

**Carlotta gets sprayed with her red concoction.**

Phantom: (goes through little door and bumps head)

Carlotta: "Serafimo, away with this pretense!"

Phantom: (goes through another little door and bumps head again)

Carlotta: "You cannot speak, but kiss me in my—"

Christine: Kiss you in your… what?

Carlotta: CROAK!

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet, and I'm going through the little doors that the Phantom did! Isn't that wise?

Carlotta: "Poor fool, he makes me—"

Christine: He makes you… what?

Carlotta: CROAK! CROAK! CROAK! Mommy!

Reyer: Oh crap. THE BALLET!

Random people: THE BALLET!

Firmin: Don't worry good people; the role of the Countess will be played by Miss Daae.

Audience Member: But I thought it was supposed to be a pageboy.

Firmin: Er… well…

**Up in the flies…**

Buquet: Hello, I'm—oh who cares I've only got five minutes to live. (swings from a rope) Joe, Joe, Joe of the Jungle…

Phantom: Die, Buquet die!

Buquet: What did I ever do to you?

Phantom: You made fun of me! (cries)

Buquet: The author is making fun of you by making you cry like a little girl.

Phantom: Well… she's next.

**Yeah right.**

Phantom: Now this won't hurt a bit… then again, I wouldn't know. (strangles Buquet)

Buquet: Hello… I'm… (dies)

Phantom: Here's a Buquet on a rope for you all down there.

Crowd: (general pandemonium)

**Now we see Raoul going to help Christine.**

Raoul: Are you okay?

Christine: …no… "His eyes will find us there, those eyes that burn"… they need eye drops!

Raoul: There is no Phantom of the Opera! Pffft! The title of this movie has absolutely no truth!

**Now they are up on the roof, where it is snowing.**

Raoul: Ooh! Let's catch snowflakes on our tongues! (catches one) Ew… tastes like FAKE!

Christine: I've been to his terrible place… where daylight dissolves into darkness…

**Are you trying to tell us you didn't like him singing Music of the Night to you? You'd have to be insane. Or a guy.**

Christine: I've seen him… he was hideous!

**Oh come on. He's really handsome. And his face isn't that bad.**

Christine: "But his voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound,"

**That's the spirit!**

Raoul: It was a dream, Christine!

**Now we see the Phantom of the Opera stuck to the statue horse's butt. (I can just see some people turning on their movies)**

Phantom: Hey! I'm not stuck! I'm just… hiding! Yeah that's it!

Raoul: (holds Christine in a rather wimpy way compared to the Phantom)

Christine: (drops rose)

Phantom: D'oh!

Raoul: I'm here, nothing can harm you.

**You wouldn't stand a chance.**

Raoul: Let daylight dry your tears.

Christine: But it's night time.

Raoul: Well… let me manually dry your tears then.

Christine: Turn my head with talk of summer time…

Raoul: But it's winter.

Phantom: (thrusts self of horse) Huzzah! Freedom!

Snowflakes: (fall on Phantoms head)

Phantom: No! Dandruff!

Christine and Raoul: (make out)

Phantom: Whaa…? (heart breaks)

Christine: Order your fine horses…

Phantom: You will regret that comment.

**When I first saw this part where the Phantom picks up the rose, it looked like darkness was just pouring onto the screen.**

Phantom: Why thank you. But it doesn't mend my broken heart.

**I try.**

Phantom: (cries)

**Aww…**

Christine & Raoul: (singing) HAHA WE LOVE EACH OTHER YOU'VE GOT NO ONE TO LOVE YOU HAHA.

**Way to rub it in his face guys.**

Phantom: (hyperventilates) (shreds rose) (snot) (climbs up onto asparagus stalks… yes, that is what it looks like. Turn on your DVD and see!) CURSE YOU!

**Now we see old man Raoul's car.**

Raoul: Aww, a young couple. Let me reminisce about the days when I was hott, and so was Christine.

People: (magically turn into him and Christine)

Raoul? Who is that guy kissing Christine? CHRISTINE!

People: (magically turn back)

Raoul: Oh, never mind.

Jewelry: (fireworks)


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Don't own Phantom, and never will.

A/N: I'm sorry ErikTheDevilsChild, but I don't think my part with Raoul & the deer is up to par. Yours was funny!

Good news: I FOUND THE DVD WOOT! I don't really feel like working on it, but I have only about 2 chappys (haha) left that I haven't posted, so I suppose I will have to work on it sometime. And the book is...weird so far?

**Okay, on to my favorite scene, Masquerade! We hear music in the background… then again when don't we?**

Meg: Hey, that's the tune of the song I sung to Christine! Haha! In your face!

Andre: Is that you, Firmin, in the chicken costume?

Firmin: And I would never have guessed that was you in the ram costume!

Andre & Firmin: (gasp)

Firmin: What a pity that the Phantom can't be here.

Andre: You've jinxed us, haven't you?

**Now we see the… ballroom or whatever with a bunch of people dressed in disappointingly similar colors. Oh well, it's still the best!**

People: MASQUERADE! I'm worth a lot of francs! No that's not right… MASQUERADE! I'm a freakish monkey music box… No, still not right… MASQURADE! PAPER FACES ON PARADE AND ALL THAT JAZZ! We've got it! (do weird dance) Flash of mauve, er gold, splash of puce, er black, fool and king, ghoul and goose. Green and black, actually white and black, queen and priest, trace of rouge… actually gold, face of beast. If you can call a chicken a beast. Eye of gold, thigh of blue, er, black. True is false? Who is who? MASQUERADE! Grinning yellows, er, whites, spinning reds, er, golds.

**Is that a batman costume? (cough) Enter Piangi, Carlotta, Andre, Firmin, Meg, and Giry.**

Giry: (waves fan over face) This could pass as a mask, right?

**Now Christine and Raoul enter.**

Christine: Why don't we have a secret engagement?

Raoul: Why does it have to be secret?

Christine: Because the Phantom will stalk us to the death. Although it will be hard to keep anything secret in here, especially because you are the only one with a thigh of blue, and I'm wearing pink.

Raoul: It's an engagement, not a crime.

Christine: Well that depends…

Raoul: What are you afraid of?

Christine: The Phantom… dur.

Christine & Raoul: (dance around the room)

Christine: Oh, what could go wrong? (kisses Raoul)

People: MASQUERADE! Every face a different shade! Er, actually only three shades. Black, white and gold. MASQUERADE! Grinning yellows, spinning reds! We've already discussed this error! MASQUERADE!

**DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun…**

People: (collective gasp)

Phantom: Yes, it's me. In your face, Raoul. I actually am wearing 'spinning reds'. (step)

**DUN!**

Phantom: (step)

**DUN!**

Phantom: (step)

**DUN!**

Phantom: What is with this staircase? (step step step)

**DUN DUN DUN!**

Phantom: That's cool. "Why so silent, good messieurs?"

Good Messieurs: You're scary.

Phantom: (step step step)

**DUN DUN DUN!**

Phantom: Okay… you can cut that out now. (cough) Here's my Opera, Don Juan (that's me) Hopefully Triumphs.

**You hid that pretty well in your coat there...**

Phantom: Once again, thank you.

Raoul: (leaves)

Christine: Uh?

Phantom: A few instructions. Carlotta must be taught to act. And sing. Oh heavens, she needs to be taught to sing. And Piangi… join weight watchers or something. (pokes with sword)

Piangi: (deflates like a balloon)

Phantom: As for you Christine, you aren't doing so hot yourself. You need some more singing lessons. Okay, you are actually perfect, I just want to see you again. (sniffles)

**Now we hear Learn to be Lonely playing in the background.**

Meg: They took that song out of the movie (thankfully) so why don't they just play my song again?

Raoul: I'm back, from wherever I may have been, and… oh dear it's the Phantom!

Phantom: (rips Christine's necklace) "Your chains are still mine—you belong to me!" (disappears in flames)

Christine: Did the Phantom just burn? Is it all over?

Raoul: Let's go find out. (jumps into the hole)

**Now we see a room with lots of mirrors.**

Raoul: (sees phantom's reflections) Oh no! There are dozens of him! And dozens of me! Clones! (stabs mirrors)

**A noose falls.**

Raoul: What… does he just expect me to hang myself or something?

Giry: Muahaha.

Raoul: ARGH! How did you get in here if the floor closed up?

Giry: Well, there's a secret passageway, right here.

**Now we see Raoul and Giry walking down a hallway.**

Raoul: How did you know about that secret passageway?

Giry: I know no more than anyone else.

Raoul: Am I the only one who doesn't know about it, then?

Giry: … yes?

Raoul: Please!

Giry: Oh fine. When I was a little girl—

Raoul: That must have been about a thousand years ago!

Giry: (cough) Anyway, there was a traveling fair, with gypsies.

Raoul: Were gypsies even invented when you were little?

Giry: … I'm going to disregard that comment. So, I lived in the dormitories of the opera house, and somehow the people in charge were just cruel enough to let little girls come see this traveling freak show. There was a monkey there.

Monkey: No relation to the music box.

Giry: Then this weird man showed us the 'Devil's Child', who was a poor lad with a deformity that wasn't really that bad, so I freed him and took him to the cellars of the opera house.

Raoul: Wow. So what does this have to do with the Phantom of the Opera?

Giry: (palm to face) You dolt, he IS the Phantom of the Opera!

**Back to the land of black and white… you know, I would have preferred sepia tones. Raoul is in his car, and they are driving him along a dirt road.**

Deer: (runs for life)

Raoul: Ooh! A deer! (lunges)

**Okay, back to the past or whatever. We see Christine lying awake in her bed.**

Christine: Okay, that's it. I'm an insomniac.

**She walks outside and pays a carriage driver, and we see a sleeping Raoul.**

Driver: Where to?

Christine: The cemetery.

Driver: Which cemetery?

Christine: _The_ cemetery.

Driver: (gasp) You don't mean...

Christine: Yes. I will be back as soon as the Phantom knocks you out.

Phantom: (knocks driver out)

Raoul: (wakes up) I sense a disturbance!

Christine: (gets into the carriage) To my father's grave, please.

Phantom Driver: (gasp) You mean in _the_ cemetery?

**Raoul runs outside to see the non-phantom driver. **

Driver: (wakes up)

Raoul: Where is she?

Driver: Carlotta?

Raoul: We've been through this before, I want Christine!

Driver: Sorry. They went to _the_ cemetery.

Raoul: (gasp) You don't mean…?

Driver: I do mean!

Raoul: (jumps on a horse with no saddle) Ouch…


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Do you seriously think I would waste my time writing a phic if I owned the phantom of the opera? Heh. I own nothing.

A/N: I have nothing to say.

Christine: (thinking) In sleep he sang to me. Hey, it echoes in my head! Echo! Echo! Does that mean my head is hollow? Oh dear, it's the cemetery. I'm going to walk really slowly and cherish the moment. "Little Lottie thought of everything and nothing." Mostly nothing.

**Five minutes later…**

Christine: I'm still going. But what is with this mist? (coughsplutterchoke)

**Five more minutes…**

Christine: Finally, at my father's grave. (weeps)

Phantom: Wandering child, so lost, so I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR KISSING RAOUL ON THE ROOF! (cough) I mean so helpless.

Christine: Who are you?

Phantom: …you have wandered from my fathering gaze…

Christine: Does that mean you are my father?

Phantom: I'm going to have to plead the fifth on that one, even though we live in France.

Christine: Oh well. I'm still going to slowly walk up, savoring the moment.

Phantom: I am your Angel of Music…

Christine: Where have I heard that before?

Raoul: (rides in) Ow. That ride was painful. NO! CHRISTINE! DON'T DO IT! HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER!

Christine: I'm well aware of that, Raoul.

Phantom: (flies off the roof)

Phantom (& stunt Phantom) & Raoul (& Possibly stunt Raoul): (swordfight)

Phantom: (slices Raoul's arm)

Raoul: No! Mommy! (knocks Phantom to the ground)

Christine: No! Don't kill him! Don't kill the source of all of our nightmares!

Raoul: Why?

Christine: Um… don't you want him as the best man in our wedding?

Raoul: Oh, I suppose so. (rides off with Christine)

Phantom: "Now, let it be war upon you both."

Christine: But I saved your life!

Phantom: Okay, war against Raoul.

Raoul: But I said you could be the best man!

Phantom: ARGH!

**Now we see Raoul, the Managers, Giry, and some other people all in the hallway.**

Raoul: Let's discuss top secret plans in front of everyone.

Andre: Okay.

Firmin: Works for me.

Raoul: "We shall play his game… but remember we hold the ace."

Andre: So we're going to play poker with him?

Firmin: He meant in a metaphorical way.

Raoul: Yes, as Firmin said. _Christine_ is the ace.

Andre: So… we're going to hold Christine?

**Now we see the Opera House being surrounded by policemen… after that we see the Phantom adjusting some ropes... and then we see Raoul walking into a room where Christine is lighting candles for her father.**

Christine: Raoul. Please don't make me be the ace. Please don't make Andre _hold_ me.

Raoul: You said yourself, he was nothing but a man.

Christine: I did? I have _got_ to stop going through Buquet's liquor supplies. "Can I betray the man—"

Raoul: See! You just said it. The _man_.

Christine: "…He murders all that's good…"

Raoul: Come on, that's exaggerating a bit. Buquet wasn't _that_ good. And that guy he killed in Giry's tale… he was really far from good.

Christine: "…What horrors wait for me, in this, the Phantom's opera?"

Raoul: You're back to calling him a ghost again. And don't think that I don't care, but every hope and every prayer rests on you now.

Christine: Thanks. I feel better now.

**Although this is the umpteenth time I've seen this movie, I still don't understand Raoul's plan. I thought they would just get him as soon as he was on stage, but they didn't? Well now we see the Phantom and the dollhouse again.**

Phantom: I heard that, again. (lights candle) Burn, dollhouse, burn! (flames go out of control) AHH! (tries to smother flames with mask) Oh dear! My mask is too small to smother the flames!

**Then the Opera begins.**

Carlotta: "For the thrill on your lounge of stolen sweets!"

**Wow. This Opera is terrible.**

Carlotta: DON JUAN HOPEFULLY TRIUMPHS!

Piangi: Faithfull friend, once again recite the plan! Because this will be the first time the audience hears it it!

Passarino: Well, your 'young guest' whoever that may be, believes that I am you! Hahah! Isn't that a great plan?

Phantom: (swoops down on someone)

Someone: (gasp for air)

Mini me: Hi, it's me again.

Phantom: "You have come here, in pursuit of your deepest urge." Which is probably to kill me. Which makes me blind with rage. "In pursuit of that wish which till now has been silent". Not really silent…

Christine's dress: (straps fall)

Phantom: (sings in a very hot way) "Past the point of no return…"

Fans: (swoon)

Giry: (enters)

**You would have though that at least Giry would recognize it's him and try to alert the police. I mean, especially Christine should know.**

Phantom: (strangles Christine) "What raging fire shall flood the soul?"

Christine: That…wasn't… in… the… script…

Phantom: Well. I'm still angry at you for kissing Raoul.

Christine: (fixes straps)

Christine's dress: Like the Phantom said, no use resisting. (straps fall)

Christine: Why is my dress talking? "You have brought me, to the moment where words run dry." Except for my dress of course…

**After a bunch more singing, you can see Meg come to watch, and she's wearing guy's clothes (not to mention replicas of the Don Juan pants). Just five minutes ago she was doing this play in a dress…**

Phantom: (sing's Raoul's part in All I Ask of You)

Raoul: Hey!

Christine: (dramatically pulls of mask)

Audience: (gasp)

Phantom: (sighstare)

Christine: (just plain stare)

Phantom: (cuts the chandelier loose) Oh please hit Carlotta's butt, oh please hit Carlotta's butt…

Chandelier: Wheee! (hit's Piangi's butt)

Phantom: Good enough.

Carlotta: Piangi, my love!

**The entire Opera is set afire. I totally missed that the first time I saw this movie. Isn't that sad? I did go see the musical first, but its not like the auditorium was set on fire so I missed it. I am so dumb. (sigh) Now we see the Phantom taking Christine down again.**

Phantom: If you want to know what my mind is like, this is it.

Christine: That's just sad.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff. BTW, if its in quotes… it's a direct quote from the movie, which I do not own!

A/N: Sorry, last time when Carlotta said "lounge" the spell check must have gone haywire! I meant tongue, of course.

Phantom: "Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place?"

Christine: Did I ask that? _Must stop drinking Bouquet's liquor!_

Pantom: "Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!"

Christine: Your face isn't that bad, and you have done a few mortal sins in your time, buddy.

**In the Phantom's lair.**

Erik: "No kind words from anyone, no compassion anywhere…"

Christine: Madame Giry is nice! And I _used_ to be nice to you! You know, you say some stupid things.

**Raoul & Giry on the staircase.**

Giry: "Your hand at the level of your eyes. At the level of your eyes. At the level of your eyes."

Raoul: What is it with the echoes in this movie?

Giry: Well, this is as far as I am going.

Raoul: You're not _afraid_ of the Phantom are you?

Giry: No.

Raoul: Then why aren't you coming?

Giry: Because. You're not the boss of me! (goes back up)

Raoul: (takes off shirt) (takes off shirt under that)

**Why did you do that?**

Raoul: There is some water coming up, isn't there?

**How do you know that?**

Raoul: Um… (falls through trap door into water)

Metal thingy: (descends)

Raoul: (turns handle to make the metal thingy go up) Huzzah.

**In the lair again.**

Christine: "Have you gorged yourself at last in your lust for blood?"

Phantom: Who's the one saying stupid stuff now?

Christine: "Am I now to be prey to your lust for flesh?"

Phantom: Well, that parts true.

Raoul: I have come!

Phantom: I was hoping you'd come.

Raoul: No need for the sarcasm.

Phantom: No, I'm serious.

Raoul: "Do what you like, only free her!"

Phantom: Why would I drag her down here, to this cold and dismal place, and just let her go? Do you think that is 'what I like?'

Raoul: I love her!

Phantom: Well… so do I… (opens metal thingy)

Raoul: Oh no! A metal thingy! Help!

Phantom: (lassoes Raoul) "ORDER YOUR FINE HORSES NOW!" See, told you that you would regret that line. "RAISE UP YOUR HAND TO THE LEVEL OF YOUR EYES!"

Raoul: How could you have possible heard that?

Phantom: Great acoustics down here. I can hear the echos through the trapdoor and the water. Ahem. Christine: If you marry me, I'll let him go. Or you can go free, and I kill Raoul. "THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN!"

Christine: No, that scene already came.

Phantom: (puts another lasso on Raoul)

Raoul: (sings, although he cannot breathe, as he is being strangled)

Phantom: "You've passed the point of no return."

Christine: That's better.

**After the Phantom strangles Raoul again and says "you try my patience" blah blah blah, I could swear Christine mouths "I love you" to Raoul.**

Christine: Okay Phantom. I CHOOSE YOU! (throws poke'ball)

Phantom: Squee!

Christine: (makes out with Phantom… but tilts toward the good side)

Phantom: Oh just forget it. Just go.

Raoul: Great. You know, Gerrik, I like Lon way better. He's much hotter.

Phantom: WHAT? (tackles)

Raoul: Ow, I can't move my legs!

Christine: Oh, I'm sure you'll be better in a few days.

Phantom: (cough) Doubtful. Okay, you can go now.

Christine: …okay.

Phantom: You're supposed to say, "Oh no, Phantom, we love you, and we'll help you! Etc!'

Raoul: Nope.

Phantom: Fine. Just don't tell anyone about The Angel in Hell. That's kind of catchy. I should have used that for the whole movie, since Christine is the Angel of Music now.

Angry Mob: Rawr!

Monkey: Masquerade. This chapter is too short, as we have run out of movie. Masquerade.

Phantom: (sniffle angst sniffle)

Christine: Hello. You can have the engagement ring back.

Phantom: Is this some sort of rejection?

Christine: …maybe. (Throws Raoul in gondola)

Raoul: OW!

Christine: Oh, quite your griping. You'll be better soon.

Phantom: "You alone can make my song take flight…" "ITS OVER NOW THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT!"

Christine: That scene has been over for quite a long time.

Phantom: (smashes mirrors) Ooh, cool, this one is a passageway. (walks through)

Angry mob: We're here now.

Meg: Where the crap is every one? Oh hey, monkey.

Monkey: The mask is right there.

Meg: Thanks.

**Black and white again.**

Monkey: I'm still here.

Raoul: There's Christine's grave. Here's the monkey, Christine. (staresigh) Wow, a rose… with a ring… hmm. This is of no significance to me, as I have no idea why it is there.

**Now we see the rose fade out, as a post card, and a candle.**

Candle: I'm baaack.

**Credits**

Carlotta: (sings Learn to be Lonely)

**Personallyithinktheoperasingingwasbetter.**

Carlotta: What?

**Nothing.**

A/N: OMG, it's over. (sniffle angst sniffle) Well, you haven't heard the last of me! On this story, you have, but not forever anyway.


End file.
